I’ve been thinking of rejection a lot lately—and I’ve realized I’m pretty darn good at it! How did this happen? Was I always good at rejection? Is it something to be proud of? I did a bit of research.

Experts would agree that North Americans are more or less proficient when it comes to maintaining our physical health, but we rarely take care of our emotional health. We spend more time taking care of our minor ailments than we do our minds. Injuries like failure, rejection and loneliness can dramatically impact our lives if we don’t take care of them—but we tend to ignore psychological health or treat it with prescription drugs.

The way you deal with rejection can have a large impact on your mental well-being and the whole course of your future. Let me give you my perspective on how best to deal with rejection—romantic, literary or professional.

“So, how many publications have you had?”

Funny you’d ask that. I’ve recently celebrated a milestone. Now that I’ve had twenty-one publications, I feel apt to call myself a writer–especially since the twentieth will soon appear in one of my top three literary magazines. I was surprised to hear that it’s unusual to have so many publications in such little time. Does this mean I am a phenomenal writer? I’d like to think so, but I think it has more to do with persistence. The truth is that I’ve probably had over 250 rejections;  I’ve just never thought about counting them.

“But, Rach, how do you deal with so much rejection!”

I’m pretty sure I haven’t always been so resilient. I guess I’d have to thank my first husband for helping me begin the journey to becoming the confident person that I am. That must have been the first step—plus I’ve always been the type to persevere. Though, in the beginning, it was for extrinsic rewards rather than intrinsic. Now, most of what I do is to satisfy my internal need to achieve.

As I’ve told many of you, this whole Rachel’s-gonna-finally-be-a-writer thing came about when my son called me out around my fortieth birthday. He pointed out the fact that I wasn’t living my dreams. He was right—I was living to help others’ achieve their dreams. But I’m glad that’s what I was doing because it’s recently become quite clear to me that all those years of teaching Grade 7 prepared me to be the person that I am. I spent so much time building up those kids I loved, telling them to persevere and build on their failures, that I began to do so for myself as well. I was finally able to treat myself as I want them to treat themselves. It’s amazing because I didn’t even notice the change in my own wellbeing.

I see rejection as an opportunity for growth, and I’ve stopped taking it personally.

“Most rejections, whether romantic, professional, and even social, are due to “fit” and circumstance. Going through an exhaustive search of your own deficiencies in an effort to understand why it didn’t “work out” is not only unnecessarily but misleading.” -Guy Winch

“Really? Is there a way not to take rejection personally?”

True story—about a year ago, I started reading for an awesome magazine out of Toronto called untethered. They were the first to pick up one of my short stories–about twenty publications ago! As a reader, I get to say ‘yay’ or ‘nay’ to others’ writing (of course the editors get to make the final calls). The first time I read, it was a humbling and eye-opening experience. I’d never imagined how many people submit to literary journals, and I’d never considered the gigantic space between quality and content of each piece of writing. I had to make a decision about who I thought should be accepted or not accepted. I realized none of these decisions were personal. That means when my writing is rejected it probably has more to do with fit than whether or not they “like” my story.

As well, some of the editors/readers offer tidbits on how to help my story evolve. Rejection has made me a better writer.

“Do you have any parting words on how to deal with rejection?”

I was anticipating that question, so with the help of my good friend Google I did some research. I think that if you have trouble dealing with failure, rejection or loneliness, you should watch this video.

Here are my key notes on Guy Winch’s video:

• Rejection is extremely painful. It calls to mind faults and shortcomings. Our self-esteem is already hurting, so why do we deepen the wound with self-criticism? When you are in emotional pain, you must treat yourself with the same compassion you would treat a very good friend.
• Rumination is dangerous. Replaying the rejection scene for days and weeks on end can become a costly habit that puts you at significant risk for depression, alcoholism, eating disorders, etc. Even a two-minute distraction is enough to break the risks.
• Change your responses to failure. Heal your psychological wounds and you will become more resilient and you will thrive. Psychologically healthy people are more empowered and more fulfilled. Change a few habits and your world will just open up.

** If you want tips on how to become successful through rejection, here’s an excellent article.

How I deal with rejection:

-The best way to deal with negative emotions is to face them. I usually give myself a twenty-four-hour limit to feel sad/angry/disappointed/hurt, and then I move on.

-These days, when I get a rejection, I remind myself that in order to be rejected I must have been brave. I can’t get risk getting rejected if I’m not reaching out for something worthwhile. Therefore, I am brave, not rejected. Yay me!

-One person’s rejection doesn’t define me (or my work). The poem that will appear in one of my top-three magazines was rejected by six or seven “lesser” magazines. I loved the poem from the moment I wrote it—it just needed to find a perfect fit.

-I use rejection to grow stronger and to perfect my craft. I’ve noticed that with each rejection, I actually grow mentally stronger and it pushes me to become a better writer. I’ve started “putting myself out there” more than I ever believed I would!

**Most importantly, keep pushing yourself! A lot of my self-improvement, especially in the writing sphere, came from taking MOOCs. Consider searching the course offerings–you’ve got nothing to lose because they are free!

Also, consider creating (and then destroying one by one) your list of things to do or a bucket list.