As Kenny Rogers explains, sometimes:

You’ve got to know when to hold ’em
Know when to fold ’em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run…
(Lyrics from “The Gambler”)

Even though I’m not going to talk about Kenny or gambling, you should reminisce by listening to this epic tune. Click on link to go to the YouTube video.
(Sigh—what a hunk; what a voice!)

Unlike Kenny, I’m not talking about gambling away your money. I’m talking about the biggest gamble of them all—relationships. The consequences of a hostile relationship affect your quality of life. They also alter your mental and physical well-being. I’m talking about all relationships—friendships, dates, spouses, family members as well as your relationships with your work, lifestyle and yourself.

What is Abuse and why are we talking about it?

There are ten definitions for abuse at www.dictionary.com. I’ve copied and pasted the information below:

verb (used with object), abused, abusing.
1. to use wrongly or improperly; misuse:
to abuse one’s authority.
2. to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way:
to abuse a horse; to abuse one’s eyesight.
3. to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about; revile; malign.
4. to commit sexual assault upon.

noun
6. wrong or improper use; misuse:
the abuse of privileges.
7. harshly or coarsely insulting language:
The officer heaped abuse on his men.
8. bad or improper treatment; maltreatment:
The child was subjected to cruel abuse.
9. a corrupt or improper practice or custom:
the abuses of a totalitarian regime.
10. rape or sexual assault.

Growing up, I knew what abuse was.

I experienced it. Abuse was cowering in the corner when my father came home. Abuse was a jab in the gut. Abuse was screaming unkind words. Abuse was drinking because there was no ability to control the urge. Abuse was rape.

I didn’t realize that there were less obvious types of abuse—which might not seem as severe, but if a relationship changes your life in a negative way, it is abusive on some level. Now think about your relationships with your work, lifestyle and self. Do you see what I mean?

This post is not about abuse per se.

This post is about knowing when to walk away from toxic situations, toxic lifestyles and toxic people.

I dare you to figure out what is making you unhappy. I’d be willing to gamble that it has something to do with a toxic relationship.

It’s taken me years to figure out that “The Gambler” is about more than playing cards. It’s about playing out your life. And it’s about knowing when to walk away from an abusive situation. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time—I’ve even been unknowingly practising it to some extent for the past 30 years (which coincides with my crush on Kenny Rogers).

Yesterday, I realized that this willingness to walk away from toxic relationships is one of my dominant writing themes. As some of you may know, I’m putting together a collection of short stories called What Would My Mother Think? In the collected stories, many strong female characters are deciding to leave or to set boundaries and fix “abusive” situations. My characters tell me a lot about myself.

Looking back, I started walking away from bad relationships at the tender age of 10, and I’ve never looked back. I guess it’s a strength, but it’s caused a lot of people to judge me. In the long run, though, does it really matter what people think of your divorce(s), changed career path(s), abandoned friendship(s)? Maybe they’re just envious you have the guts and self-love to walk away, and they don’t.

True—Walking away can be embarrassing.

My mother once asked me if I was sorrowful I was leaving a bad situation or embarrassed about what people might say. She is a wise woman. I want you to think about what she said to me. Because if someone is judging you for leaving a bad situation, maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship with them either.

I’ve decided to look at leaving as growth rather than failure.

If there is toxicity in a relationship, you shouldn’t be there.

I’ve walked away from relationships, friendships, lifestyles and jobs. I’ve walked away from promises, parties, contracts I’ve signed and people who sucked the life out of me. A lot of the time, I’ve walked away quickly. Other times, I’ve walked away from one bad relationship right into another. History repeats itself, right? We are creatures of habit.

It took twenty years to leave My Most Abusive Relationship

About four years ago a fellow teacher showed me an article about how teaching was like being in an abusive relationship. Google “teaching is like being in an abusive relationship,” and you’ll see how popular the concept is. I’ve attached links to two articles I pulled up:

• Teaching is like being in an abusive relationship
• Teaching–you only stay for the kids

I realized I was in an abusive relationship with my teaching job. It had damaged my health—both mental and physical—eroded my time with my own child and left me so drained that I could hardly enjoy my “off” time.

This June, I quit my full-time teaching job, and the cloud that’s been hanging over my head has dissipated. Six months later and I’m starting to see what life is supposed to be like. I have hobbies, enough sleep, no signs of anxiety or depression and I am laughing a lot. I have time to read, pursue creative endeavours and think positively about the future rather than constantly counting down until the next school break. Quitting this relationship saved my life.

take a look at your relationships

In those needling moments of an anxiety attack or when a black cloud hangs over your head, ask yourself why that might be happening. Chances are there is some “abusive” relationship you need to change or opt out of. Obviously, you can’t just walk away from everything without giving it a lot of thought, but you can consider your alternatives.